i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
