Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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