so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
