she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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