i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
