I accidentally burped into my bong.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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