It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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