I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
