My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
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