stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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