I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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