Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
