Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
