I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
