I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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