Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
