I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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