I'm jealous of your bromance
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
