mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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