Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
