i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
