kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
