no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
