I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
