All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
