i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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