my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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