You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
