I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just found puke in my bra..
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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