I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
