my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
