I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Small penises have feelings too.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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