in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
