just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
