i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Houston, we have a squirter
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
