After last night, I could never be a politician.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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