I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
