Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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