awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
