My hand turned me down
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think your dad took our porno
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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