Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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