I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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