i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
