the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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