I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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