i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
