The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
