im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
