I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.