Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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