from now on my penis is your penis
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
