Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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