I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
