just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
