I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
